Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Football (But Were Afraid To Ask)

What would Woody Allen have to say about Europe's finest? Let's speculate:

"They signed Jordan Henderson for how much!?"

 'Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.' – Chelsea

'I do believe that this is truly the best of all possible worlds. Well, it's certainly the most expensive.' – Manchester City

'What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.' – Real Madrid

'I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.' – Juventus

'Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.' – Arsenal

'I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.' – Liverpool

'I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.' – Ajax

'Don’t knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.' – Barcelona

'How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can opener works!' – Atletico Madrid

'I'll go to your room, but you'll have to seduce me.' – Inter Milan